Queen Bitch

When I posted earlier I said I was going to write my play using Modest Mouse's song "Float On" as inspiration, but instead I used "Queen Bitch" David Bowie. I really phoned this one in.

Two people are in a cheap hotel room late at night. The first is a man named Lou and the second is a transvestite prostitute that goes by the name Sister Flo.

Lou: What am I . . . what am I doin’ here?

Sister Flo: I ain’t gettin’ paid to answer questions. So dear, what’ll it be?

Lou: Can you just, just give me a minute?

Sister Flo: It’s your money hun.

Lou: I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go through with it. I’m outta here.

Sister Flo: Woah, woah there buddy, you gotta pay me first. My time’s valuable you know. I don’t cheat my customers and I give them what I pay for, but you gotta pay me.

Lou: Pay you? But we haven’t done a goddamned thing. Look, just look . . . I don’t know. What am I doin’? What am I . . .?

Sister Flo: I ain’t getting’ paid to wax philosophic with you, but if it’s waxin’ you’re lookin’ for . . .

Lou: Look, I’m not sure I want to be here doin’ . . . this.

Sister Flo: And I’m not sure I’m getting’ paid.

Lou: Will you shut up about money, I’m tryin’ to think.

Sister Flo: Nobody tells me to shut up. You better adjust your attitude hon before I come down on you, hard. You don’t want that, do you?

Lou: I don’t know what I want . . .

Sister Flo: Well I know what a man wants . . .

Lou: Get away! Get away from me. Get outta here.

Sister Flo: No I ain’t leaving. I didn’t get . . .

Lou: Your money. I know. You know what; yeah I’ll give you your money. I’ll go through with this. Here’s twenty bucks. (Lou hands Sister Flo a twenty.) Now what?

Sister Flo: (Sister Flo pockets the cash.) I dunno, what d’you want?

Lou: I don’t know this . . .

Sister Flo: what?

Lou: This is my first . . .

Sister Flo: Your first time? I could tell.

Lou: Let’s get on with it.

Sister Flo: Get on with what?

Lou: What? With it

Sister Flo: It? Oh, it costs money.

Lou: I paid you.

Sister Flo: Yeah, for the time you spent thinkin’.

Lou: That’s bullshit.

Sister Flo: Nah honey, that’s the goin’ rate for someone classy like me.

Lou: I paid my money, let’s go.

Sister Flo: What’d ya take me for, some dime store hooker? This here is the best there is.

Lou: The best? You’re just some trash off the street.

Sister Flo: Off the street? Off the street! Let me . . . let me tell you somethin’ sweetheart, you’re nothin’. Nothin’. You’re just some chump with a nine to five job sittin’ in some rottin’ away as your wife cheats on you and your children hate you for never being home. You live the life of some caged animal on display for everyone to point and laugh at.

Hon, I’m free. I’m a wild animal and I won’t be brought down by you. I live my life how I want and I’m happy. I choose the men I sleep with, they don’t choose me. And you know what, I chose you. I chose you because you remind me of myself; back when I was a caged animal, back when I lived in a suit and tie.

You see, I want you to be free. I want you to open up and be free. I want to help you, but I gotta make a living. Its tough doin’ what you love, but I get up and do it every day. I’m here for you, but if you want to go back to your sad, little life that’s okay with me.

Lou: Oh fuck you. Go to hell. Who do you think you are? You think you’re helpin’ me? What a crock of. . . Never mind, never mind. What was I thinkin’? I don’t belong here. You think you know who I am? You don’t. You don’t know shit. I don’t have a family; I don’t have a wife or kids.

You on the other hand, are scum. You prey the streets lookin’ for chumps like me, and I was stupid enough to follow you. I needed to know who I was, and you were the way to my answer. You are a wild animal, one not worth the air you’re breathing. Someone should put you down for everyone’s good.

I should have gone with someone else. I can do better than you, you disgusting pig. You’re just a sad excuse for a human being, just some man playing dress up. Just a man. I could do better than you.

Sister Flo: Oh! Oh really? A man. How dare you.

Sister Flo starts a tussle with Lou and Lou throws Sister Flo to the ground. Lou gathers Sister Flo’s stuff up around the room.

Sister Flo: What’re you doin’?

Lou: Throwing you out.

Sister Flo: What what what!

Lou: You heard me, get the hell out!

Sister Flo: No!

Sister Flo attempts to take his/her stuff back. Lou tries to push his way to the door. The both of them tussle once again. Sister Flo gets the stuff back but staggers backwards.

Sister Flo: I ain’t going back out on the street. You’re not kicking me out.

Lou: Well I ain’t payin’ for you to stay here.

Sister Flo: I ain’t sleepin’ outside.

Lou: You ain’t sleepin’ here. You can go sleep in hell for all I care, but you can’t sleep here.

Sister Flo: Fuck you.

Lou: Screw you.

Sister Flo lies down on the bed and pulls the covers up.

Lou: Get out of the bed.

Sister Flo: You can’t get rid of me.

Lou: You know what, fine. I’ll let you stay. Sleep in the bed, I don’t care anymore. You can do whatever you want. You deserve it all.

Lou climbs into the bed and lies next to Sister Flo.

Sister Flo: What the hell are you doin’?

Lou: It’s my room and my bed. I paid for it, so I’m sleeping in it.

Sister Flo: Get out.

Lou: Make me.

Sister Flo: Alright, this is stupid.

Lou: At least we can agree on that.

Sister Flo: Good, now stop being stupid and get out of the bed.

Lou: Screw you.

Sister Flo: Humph, good night then. (Sister Flo rolls away from Lou.)

Lou: Good night.

The next morning the two of them wake up together and get out of bed. Still in the room, Sister Flo prances around while Lou tries to straighten his wrinkled clothes.

Lou: I’m leaving.

Sister Flo: Fine, where’s my money?

Lou: What . . . are you serious? You’re really serious?

Sister Flo: Do I look like I’m joking?

Lou: You aren’t getting a dime.

Sister Flo: Then I’ll drop a dime on you.

Lou: Yeah right, where’ll that get you?

Sister Flo: It’ll get me my money.

Lou: You won’t do it.

Sister Flo exits the room and comes back a few moments later.

Sister Flo: I just called the cops on your ass. I’ll testify against you and you’ll go to jail, that is if you don’t give me my money.

Lou: What? You actually called the cops? What the hell are you thinkin’? They’ll arrest you too!

Sister Flo: I haven’t done anything wrong. I ain’t the one tryin’ to rob a workin’ girl.

Lou: You’re a prostitute! A male prostitute!

Sister Flo: You ain’t getting’ outta this without giving up my money.

Lou: Screw you, I’m getting away.

Lou attempts to leave but gets accosted by Sister Flo. The two wrestle on the floor when there’s a knock at the door.

Officer: Police, open up.

Lou: Shit.

Sister Flo jumps over to the door and throws it open.

Sister Flo: Thank you for coming so quickly officer. This man here (pointing to Lou) refuses to relinquish the money he owes. I’d like for you to take him away.

Officer: And who might you be . . . ma’am?

Lou: Oh for God sakes officer she’s a he.

Sister Flo: Why don’t you shut up!

Officer: Alright, what’s really going on here?

Lou: Sir, this person (pointing to Sister Flo) is a prostitute.

Sister Flo: And you’re a crook.

Officer: Alright . . . you’re both coming with me.

Sister Flo: What, I haven’t done anything. I don’t have to go with you.

Officer: I just need you to come down with me to the station for interrogation. You haven’t been charged with anything, yet.

Sister Flo: (To Lou) You bastard, making me the scapegoat. I’ll kill you!

Sister Flo assaults Lou and the officer gets involved, holding Sister Flo back. The officer tries unsuccessfully to restrain Sister Flo. Sister Flo runs around the room and exits quickly.

Officer: Hey you wait! (To Lou) you wait here. (The officer picks up his walkie talkie.) Officer 23 here, I’m at the hotel on Redding Avenue . . . number 56. I have a suspect on the run. Uh . . . white male? Yeah white male, about 6’2’’ and dressed in drag, a red dress. Blonde hair, I believe a wig and wanted for assault. Over

The officer takes chase after Sister Flo, leaving Lou alone. Lou collects his stuff, waits a few moments and exits the room.