Shadow of a Man

My uncle’s decent into hell began one day in Hartford Hospital. Mom, my brother, and I all shoved ourselves into my old, gray Saturn for a trip to visit my uncle Bernie, and following a forty minute trip we ended up in a waiting room outside of the intensive care unit. I knew this would be a long wait so I brought a book to read, a little tome on Russian history, something to brighten up my gloomy day. Across from my family sat an elderly couple right at home with the waiting room’s retro futuristic charm, ghosts from the past dreaming of tomorrow. The old woman smiles and I return the gesture before losing myself in my book lest these strangers strike up a conversation with us.

After a brutal wait sitting next to my mother, a woman on the verge of a panic attack, the phone attached to the wall behind us rings, and Mom looks at me to answer it. I pick up the receiver and a bored nurse asks if she has the Smith family. I answer yes and she says, “You can come in to see Bernie now, you have fifteen minutes.”

Just outside of the waiting room the double steel doors blocking access to the intensive care ward unlock with a click and swing open. From the nurse on the phone to the automatic doors it’s nice to see the hospital’s cold efficiency on display. At least the last time I was here a doctor took the time to see me in person, but no more. Now we let the robots do all of the drudgery, especially the unsavory job of dealing with bereaved families. The three of us enter the ward, the nurse behind the main desk throwing us a dire look while directing us down the hall to the right in search of room 407. We catch Bernie’s doctor outside his room, she’s a young, blond woman wearing a white coat one size too large, and I figure it must be the smallest size coat the hospital has for employees.

Mom steps aside to speak with the doctor, pushing us towards Bernie’s room to say hi to our uncle. My brother and I shuffle into the room without saying a word, and now we are face to face with our good ol’ uncle. The man sleeps, his face bruised and tired despite a week’s rest; tubes run in and out of every orifice while the smell of body and cleaner mingle in the air. The only thought I have, the only words I say are to my brother, “God, Uncle Bernie’s old.”

My brother nods in silent agreement, so we sit with our unconscious uncle with nothing else to say. Mom, done talking with the doctor, enters the room and takes a seat by Bernie’s side, holding his hand. She says to her comatose brother, “Hi Bernie, I’m glad you’re okay. The doctor says you’re getting better every day, so I hope we can get you outta here in the next few weeks, get you back on your feet.”

The sight of my mother at the edge of a bed on the verge of tears, the smell of disinfectant, and the sound of busy nurses bustling in the hall drag up painful memories of my last visit to the hospital, so I excuse myself from the room. I try to get some air in the hall, but I’m still in the hospital, there’s no escape until Mom’s done with her visit. While I’m waiting I’m met with a familiar voice, “Hey Isaac you’re back! Must be nice not being the one in bed.”

I grumbled a half-hearted greeting to my Uncle Herby, a large man with a shitfaced grin glued to his face and a penchant to show up late to the party. He pats my back and wraps his arm around my shoulder, and I try in vain to slink away back into Bernie’s room, the lesser of two evils. Herby keeps talking, “It’s a shame all this had to happen to Bernie don’t ya think? We’ll never get real retribution from the bastard who ran over him.”

I say, “The police did catch the guy, at least that’s what I heard.”

Uncle Herby says, “Yeah, but he’s just some illegal driving with a fake license and no insurance. Where’s the justice in shipping back to Mexico without just compensation for our troubles?”

There’s nothing left for me to say, so a momentary silence drives my uncle into Bernie’s room. Alone I count down the minutes before nurses come to shoo us from the antiseptic white halls, but I’m cut off in the act when Mom storms out of the room, my brother in tow. She takes off down the hall and I follow behind two paces so as not to draw on Mom’s ire. Down through the maze of corridors and elevators we reach the light of day, passing through the glass double door sealing off this hell from the rest of the world.

Mom charges across the open field separating the hospital from the parking garage, my brother hanging off her with me bringing up the rear. Out of the corner of my eye I see my Aunt Betty sitting on a bench under an oak tree, she tries to get my mother’s attention to no avail. My aunt is older woman; she is loathe in admitting it, though today the fair weather prompted her to wear a yellow sun dress splashed in sunshine giving her a seasoned look. Unable to hail Mom Aunt Betty turns to me and calls. Not someone to be rude, I couldn’t ignore Aunt Betty, so I meandered over to her bench. My aunt doesn’t get up to greet me when I ask if she is here to see Bernie.

Aunt Betty says, “Yes I came to see him but I can’t bring myself to go into the hospital. Bernie’s always been so dirty and now that he’s in this place he’s so much worse. I don’t know how your mother brings herself to hold his hands, they’re so vile.”

I say, “That’s what happens when you work in a chemical factory for forty years. I’m sure Uncle Bernie would be happy to see you, Uncle Herb’s already in there.”

Aunt Betty says, “I know Herb’s in there, I drove with him. I’m not too worried about Bernie, he’s in a coma right now and you can bet he’ll be out of it in time for my Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe I should have the grandkids visit Nana for Thanksgiving this year.”

I ask, “What do you need me for?”

Aunt Betty answers, “Oh yes, could you give this number to your mother, it’s for the physical therapist who helped your Uncle Kyle get back on his feet following his accident. Your mother’s been bugging me for it, not that she or Bernie could afford this man’s services.”

A cool wind blowing through the courtyard brought an end to our conversation. I took the piece of paper from my aunt and made my way back to my car. Upon arrival Mom asked where I was. I answer, “Talking with Aunt Betty, she was hanging around outside the hospital you know.”

Mom says, “I missed her then. I don’t want to talk to her anyway; she never did care for Bernie or any of the rest of us for that matter. Let’s go, I can’t stand to be around her or Herby for another second.”

The car ride home starts off in a fragile silence, the calm before the storm. I hand Mom the paper with the number of the physical therapist and she grabs it in a huff; I breathe a sigh of relief, my action didn’t spark the swirling winds of hate brewing in Mom. As I drove the urban decay of downtown Harford gave way to the bright, tree-lined boulevards of Connecticut’s suburban paradise, but the atmosphere in the car built up to a guaranteed explosion sure to blow us all to Hell and quite possibly back again. The look on Mon’s face degenerated from agitation to pure white rage as thoughts churned in her head. I valued every second of peace.

A single bump in the road was enough to spark Mom, a black stream of bile spewed forth from her mouth in an emotional release that nearly drowned my poor brother and I. Mom says, “This thing with Bernie, it’s just like what happen with grandma. Herby is trying to pull the plug again; he wants to kill your uncle.”

I say, “I don’t know about that Mom, I think Herb’s concerned about the cost of keeping Bernie in that hospital bed, a bit too much sure but since Bernie survived the accident Herb’s resigned to caring for Bernie in the most economic way possible.”

Mom says, “Herby doesn’t give a damn about Bernie. I need to keep everyone away from Bernie, those two back at the hospital are vultures circling around Bernie, waiting to pick his bones dry. Herby and Betty convinced the doctors to pull the plug on grandma, but they aren’t gonna get Bernie, I’ll make sure of it.”

There’s little I can do to quell Mom’s paranoia, so I just listen to her rant on the evils plaguing our family. My silence does me no good, it must make me suspicious as Mom asks, “You remember what happened to grandma, right?”

I say, “Grandma went to the doctor with leg pains; the doctor diagnosed her with sciatica, and Grandma pushed for surgery to fix it. She got sick on the operating table and she died two weeks later.”

Mom says, “This is your problem Isaac, you buy the lies Herby and Betty sell to you. The doctor did diagnose Grandma with sciatica, but she didn’t want the surgery. Betty convinced Grandma to go in for surgery and when she was sick in recovery Herby persuaded the doctors to pull the plug. I even blame the doctors some since Grandma didn’t have sciatica, she had a broken hip. This thing with Bernie is a little different, but it’s playing out much the same.”

It’s hard for me to believe the entirety of Mom’s story; her reality is colored too much by her history with her siblings. That’s not to say her points are devoid of truth, but Mom needs some time to calm down before I can really talk to her about Bernie. Getting home made me happy, relieved to seclude myself in my room. Such respite ion the hands of television, music, and video games never last long though, and this time is no exception as Mom from the living room calls me.

Sitting on our black leather couch, my brother and I watch Mom pace back and forth clutching our phone. Al our cat wanders in from parts unknown, drawn by curiosity and giving us his usual smug smile as he rolls about on the carpet, happy to have an audience. Mom takes her time in giving us her news, the analog clock ticking each moment that passes by perpetually five minutes into the future. Mom breaks her own quiet by saying, “It’s a done deal Bernie’s coming to live with us once he’s better.”

My brother says, “Are we gonna have to take care of him? Is he gonna be some kind of vegetable who’s diapers we have to change?”

I say, “Happily he’s the second time come to them, for they say an old man is twice child.”

Mom balks at me, “Isaac I don’t need your sass, and you’re not as witty as you think you are. Bernie’s taking the spare bedroom, and you don’t have to worry I’m taking care of him.”

At the end of the month Mom wheeled Uncle Bernie into the back bedroom for good. Sometimes I go back there to give him the lunch Mom made for him, and I see the man he’s now become. Bernie spent his whole life working with chemicals before going home to drink beer and watch television; one time he even had a girlfriend. Now he sits in his recliner staring off into space, the few comforts of his life taken from him, replaced with cold melancholy and boredom. His liver spotted hands shake, so he often drops the glasses of orange juice he requests, and at first it bothered him but now he leaves it alone, a mess for one of us others to clean. I drop Mom’s sandwich in front of Bernie and ask if he needs anything else to which the answer is always a curt no. Bernie’s sad eyes look off into space, his crusty blue bathrobe in dire need of a wash, but none of this is my problem and can be left for someone else to think about in their spare time. I steal away, back about my day.